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Sleep

Sleep…

Peace, comfort, and joy.

Sleep brings all of these.

Cause you’re there.

You come before me when I’m asleep.

To hold me,

To protect me,

To love me.

You’re there for me.

You wipe the pains of the world away.

You promise that everything will be okay.

Just being in your arms and on your chest makes everything okay.

Listening to the rhyme of you heart.

It seems as if it is beating to the tune of “I Love You”.

It is the wonderful dream,

Of you and me,

Together forever.

But, then I wake up,

Where you are gone.

You’re not there.

You can’t:

Hold me,

Protect me,

Love me.

Where did you go?

Are you going to come back?

I need you.

Please come back.

Where Are You?

Where are you?

I have been waiting for you all of my life.

You come before me in my dreams.

Where you remind me how much I miss you.

But, are you real?

Will I ever find you?

Will you ever find me?

Or will I forever be without you?

I miss you, 

I want you, 

I need you.

Are you out there?

Could you even be looking for me?

Yea, that's it.

You are looking for me and I'm looking for you.

Just please hurry...I'm nothing without you.

who am i

Do you know who you are?  Have you every pondered your existent.  How you came to be who you are.   From a young age I remember being different, because I knew that I was gay.  I didn't know why, just that I was.  This thought scared me, I didn't want to be different.  I wanted to be normal, like everyone else.  I seem to remember earlier thoughts about things, but it's hard to know if they are real memories or just my brain feeling in gasps in an attempt to piece together a story of my life that makes sense to itself.  I can't pin down and exact age at which I first remember having these feeling though it was before third grade.

I remember growing up with this, having to deal with the other kids.  I found that if I just tried to make myself invisible that sometimes people would forget about me, especially in new situations.  There isn't really a way for you to talk about someone you didn't remember.  Perhaps it is because of this action that I took so long ago, that today as an adult I hate talking to people.  I hate opening myself up in fear of being rejected or taunted.  I fear everyone because of the actions of a few.

I'm not sure why I am this way.  I'm not sure if it is something that I just got up one day and said "oh I think I will become gay today" or if it is something else, something deeper.  I do not believe that I'm this way because of some gene or something similar that I may or may not have.  I don't really know what to believe.  I don't know if I will alway be this way.  Or if I will always go around in life in fear of who I believe I am.  On second thought, I'm not sure I know who I am.  I have spent so much of my life from such a young age playing someone else.  What if I have lost who I am, is there a way to get me back?  If there is how will I know that it is really me.  Who are we really and how do we know that is really us?

These are all questions that I have and don't think I will every get an answer to them.  Until then I'm not really sure what to.

Where can I go?

Psalm 139 states that there is no where we can go to get away from God. He is there always, in the shadows, in the light, in the farest places we could possible reach. And yet and still there He is, his Spirit, his everything. If He is always there then we can never be alone and even at our worst, we can be comforted in the fact that there is God with us through it all. Through the good, bad and everything inbetween. There He is.

So if God is always there for us, everywhere we go all we need to do is realize that he is there. If we realize that he is there then we will not be alone. We will be in the arms of the one who loves us completely. But how do we get there. How do we stand strong in knowing that God is with us. That no matter where we go there is he, right with us no where else. Not there, but here. Even in the darkness, it says there He is. How do we seek him, how do we let him reach us. He is there waiting for us.

He loves us, but what if we don't know how to responsed to love, not this kind of love. What if we can't fathom how someone perfect like him could possible love someone ugly imperfect like we are. Why does he love us? We have done nothing and we can't do anything to deserve his love.

why how

Life After College

Lately I've been thinking a lot about life after college.  What will I do, who will I hang out with.  What will my life remotely look like after getting out of college.  Should I goto Europe and get a job in a cafe or something or should I try to get a job in the U.S.  It's is all so unclear.

Will I met new friends.  What happens if I don't, when I loose all of the current ones.  Will life be super boring and sad?  What will happen?  What should happen?  Too many questions not enough answer.

If the only way that I make friends/acquaintances are through my other friends/acquaintances then what will happen will I lose all of my current friends/acquaintances how will I met new people.  I seem to have been absence the day in elementary school where we learned to talk and met new people, because I can't/ don't know how to do it.

I really want to go live in German, but I don't know the language and it doesn't really seem like I will be able to learn it.  Also I won't know anyone there and will just kept to myself, but this is really no different then how I will be after the end of college so it's all so very confusing.  It's very depressing to realized that this the the happiest I will every be in life.  That after this point I won't have any friends that are close by and life will be only working and sleeping.  Forever by myself.

True Propose

How does one know their true propose. How do you find that one thing you're supposed to be doing with your life. I've always thought that one would be extremely good at doing something and that is what they should. What if instead they aren't extremely good at doing any one thing.

I'm really not aware of any one thing that I'm extremely good at doing. There are somethings that I would say I'm better then the average person at nothing that really going above and beyond. I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to do after college or even if my major is the right one for me. Is it what I should be doing for the rest of my life?

How does one know?